It seems I have overestimated the pace of my progress in overcoming my recent grief. Most of the time, I can now work without thinking too much about Eddie. There are still moments when I’m really flooded with random memories about him, but I am slowly beginning to accept that I may have to be content myself with just those. I feel so pathetic and I wish I can easily stop myself from feeling that way.
Eddie returned to the office last Monday to take care of formal changes regarding his job description. I was glad to see him. But knowing that he had to go to his new place soon, I opted not to become too emotionally attached. Surprisingly, there is no longer a heavy feeling in my chest that day.
As of now, I could not see myself having a significant emotional investment on someone in our office. I hope my work won’t be affected by this recent emotional crisis. At this point, my concern is that I don’t look forward to getting myself to the office anymore. It seems that I am just going through the motions. Lack of inspiration makes the daily grind even more dull. I’m not even in the mood to participate in company-related Christmas activities. I hope I can find more effective ways to keep myself contented at work.
I think I might even welcome any source of a little variety in the office. I just need something to get Eddie off my mind. I’m not yet ready to do charitable works, mingling with like-minded people, etc. I want to forget NOW! On second thought, maybe I can settle for doing it gradually on my own. Such an inconvenience!
Footsteps and Sighs 