The Capricious One

He is leaving the company. Around two weeks ago, Eddie said that he needs to take a break from school and from work. I asked why he plans to also quit the job. It is possible to briefly stop studying, but still continue to earn money. He said he does not like the work. In fact, he never did.

Our conversation, however, boiled down to one thing. He plans to be a bum again. It seems that he is more productive in his creative writing if he has little to no distraction. I don’t get it. How can he be satisfied in staying at a backwater province, while relying on his parents for his expenses?

His drifter-like approach in dealing with his problems is quite annoying. I realized that he is a guy who does not have definite plans for the future, aside from writing. Doing what you like is admirable. But there I think there should still be a compromise for your craft and its sustainability. These are modern times and a starving artist is not something really appealing.

Despite these sentiments, I still admire his work as a writer. I don’t think my level of infatuation would be the same as before, though. He is too fickle-minded. I may have no boyfriend since birth, but I know that I can’t stand someone who is plagued by indecisions. People like that tend to be unreliable. Their habit does not make it easy for other people to trust them.

Perhaps I’m just too focused on my perspective. He is trustworthy—most of the time—when it comes to his work. It’s also unfair to think that he might be in a worse situation later just because he is capricious now. But as a friend, I think it is about time he takes charge of his life and starts thinking about a stable future.

Yet Another Lucid Dream

It is funny how I seem to dream about a crush every time I decide to move on. I once had this sensual dream about a past crush where we made out in a mall. It happened around three months after I accepted that I had a crush on him.

The dream I had about Eddie three days ago was somewhat disappointing. We were on a team outing and a co-worker messed up one of his social media accounts. Eddie got angry and he walked out on the group. I was frustrated by what I consider as his  immature reaction. Because he also decided to go home ahead of us, I tried following him to the gates to stop him. But he was nowhere to be seen when I got there. What was odd was that the setting of the dream was the university where I graduated from.

I think the dream is an interpretation about the chain of events that happened during the past year. If i had not graduated, I wouldn’t have met my current co-workers, including Eddie. He decided to leave the office and, despite my efforts, I could not do a thing to stop him.

The weather outside was gloomy, and that dream made the day gloomier. I was reminded that I tend to think too much about the objects of my affection to the point where I even dream about them. But I was somewhat glad about the events that happened in the dream. They seemed to encourage me to truly accept that I may never see Eddie again. They reminded me that I am never going to be a part of his future.

Truth be told, I am slowly recovering from that heartache. I’m doing my best not to give in to the temptation to check his Facebook profile everyday. My target is to check his profile once a week only and, hopefully, abandon my efforts in doing so in the future. I think I’m not going to miss him that much anymore. He accepted his regularization last Friday, but he will be working as a part-time employee.

When I had that dream about my university crush, I did my best to get over him. I hope that the recent one can also help me this time. For now, I will try not to think too much about Eddie. I will be back to worrying about my future as a singleton, but that’s another story.

Loss or Opportunity?

For most people, the sixth month of probationary employment is a make-or-break scenario. It is either they stay as regular employees, or they have to pack up as they get served the dreaded End of Contract (EOC) notice. That is why if they can’t hit the ground running, they aim to learn the ropes as soon as possible.

Our team’s online meeting earlier started out with the usual discussions about changes that the members should expect. Some of us had to leave the meeting early, because the other people had other things to discuss with the new team lead. Because the TL is sitting close to me, I overheard him mention Eddie’s regularization process.

I know that January is his expected month of regularization. What I did not expect was his implied preference to be served the EOC notice rather than be regularized. He did mention in his social media accounts that he is swamped up by academic assignments and office-related tasks. The new team lead told us after the meeting that Eddie claimed that his academics got compromised a bit because of the hours he had to devote to the job.

I have no idea what the team lead has in mind. Eddie mentioned before that he can manage to live within his means. Personally, I don’t feel so comfortable being jobless. I was unemployed when I decided to continue my college studies, but I also had more than four years’ worth of savings that supported me. I hope he has a similar contingency plan other than relying on the support of his parents. For me, that’s not a remarkable move for someone in his late 20s.

If his EOC notice gets pushed through due to his insistence, I might have to prevent Eddie’s updates from appearing in my Facebook news feed. Yes, I still think that removing a person from your FB friend list is too harsh, especially for a laughable reason like this. But I think I should expedite the process of moving on if we are going to lose that connection as co-workers. I wonder what the next few days will bring.

Protracted Recovery

I’m a bit glad that my recent heartaches have somehow lessened. Some things haven’t changed. I still do not look forward to going to work everyday, and I know I still miss Eddie a little.

At this point, I have already accepted that we won’t be seeing face to face again. That acceptance also brought its share of emotional pain, but I know that this may be necessary in moving on. I should also start getting used to the idea that I might not meet him ever again in the future.

I still feel like going through the motions while at the office, but I try my best not to slack off. My romantic situation right now seems hopeless, bleak, and cold. I would gladly welcome any source of even just a little cheer.

But then again, maybe I’m worrying too much. It is true that this is a source of disappointment for me right now, but I also know that, supposedly, I have so many things to be thankful for. It’s just that I find it difficult to recognize or acknowledge them.

Once more, I am placed in a situation where I have no choice but to endure. Once more, I have to go through the process of recovering from this seemingly irrelevant setback little by little. Am I doomed to be forever trapped in this cycle? Am I going to die without even receiving my first kiss?

Getting By

It seems I have overestimated the pace of my progress in overcoming my recent grief. Most of the time, I can now work without thinking too much about Eddie. There are still moments when I’m really flooded with random memories about him, but I am slowly beginning to accept that I may have to be content myself with just those. I feel so pathetic and I wish I can easily stop myself from feeling that way.

Eddie returned to the office last Monday to take care of formal changes regarding his job description. I was glad to see him. But knowing that he had to go to his new place soon, I opted not to become too emotionally attached. Surprisingly, there is no longer a heavy feeling in my chest that day.

As of now, I could not see myself having a significant emotional investment on someone in our office. I hope my work won’t be affected by this recent emotional crisis. At this point, my concern is that I don’t look forward to getting myself to the office anymore. It seems that I am just going through the motions. Lack of inspiration makes the daily grind even more dull. I’m not even in the mood to participate in company-related Christmas activities. I hope I can find more effective ways to keep myself contented at work.

I think I might even welcome any source of a little variety in the office. I just need something to get Eddie off my mind. I’m not yet ready to do charitable works, mingling with like-minded people, etc. I want to forget NOW! On second thought, maybe I can settle for doing it gradually on my own. Such an inconvenience!

Escalating Quickly

Everything was so abrupt.

Last Wednesday, the team leaders in our department had a meeting with our manager. I initially thought this was about goals for the month of October. The department, as a whole, was still feeling the effects of the successful floor meeting that we organized last Sept. 27.

When their meeting ended, I noticed that the people who participated in it were unusually quiet. Being a part of the management team before, I could sense the tension in that almost tangible silence. My hunch was that something unpleasant happened or is about to happen.

The next day, our manager called for a meeting with the whole department. My assumptions were correct. Apparently, she had a conflict with our team leaders during that meeting. According to her, it seems that her style of management does not fit the team anymore.

Perhaps, the way she handled the resulting conflict during their discussion was not too good. The department’s team leaders forwarded a letter of complaint about her to the HR. Using that as a leverage, our manager decided to forward a request for an immediate resignation.

From what our team leaders told us, there was a task that was not properly accomplished by one of them. Our manager lost a bit of her composure when she learned about that. I understand that that oversight must not be taken lightly, but there is a more diplomatic way of handling such issues.

To cut the story short, she ended up quitting her job on that very day the departmental meeting was organized. Her justification was that her subordinates already have a negative outlook towards their working relations, and it would be for the good of everyone if she will remove herself. Being a Buddhist, she kept on telling people that attachment is the cause of suffering. Well, I wonder what are her thought on her sudden detachment and it resulting upheaval.

I am concerned of the implications of her decisions. Her task was to coordinate the communication between the department and the upper management. We are currently assigned to a new manager, but she is also handling too many teams at this point. I hope the department is stable enough to sustain itself as we go through our tasks. It may take a while for us to adjust, and I still think that it would be better if we have a new manager assigned to our department alone.

Mitigating Limerence

It took some time, but I finally got fed up of these feelings of regret that tend to wash over me every time I see Facebook updates about the guy I mentioned in my previous post. There was already a point that I became sorry for myself for being predominantly effeminate in my actions. However, I refuse to use my emotions alone as a basis to get rid of an identity that I am comfortable with.

Again, we’re good friends, so I think it is hardly fair for both of us if I would unfriend him. If I do that, I don’t think I could come up with a reasonable excuse if he finds out about it. So, I just decided to disable the news feed updates from him. It is a minor step, but I had to start somewhere if I have to truly move on.

I’m trying to give more focus on my job-hunting activities. There are certain plans for the future which I have in mind. I hope these can also help me in forgetting about him.