Different Strokes

People don’t usually share their heartaches to someone they just met a couple of weekends ago and have not interacted with on weekdays. But this does not seem to deter one of my classmates in graduate school. He seemed visibly upset last Saturday and he told me later that he and his boyfriend broke up.

I barely know the person, so I was not really interested. He asked me how he is supposed to deal with the situation. I told him that he has no choice but to move on. Of course, he told me that it is easier said than done. I wanted to tell him about my unrequited affection for Eddie, but I changed my mind. Again, that classmate is someone I have met for the first time two weekends ago.

Just like I usually do, I did my best to be a good listener. He asked me if I have any romantic attachments. I’m always truthful about this matter; I said I have none. Luckily, he did not bother to ask why this was the case. He is aware that romantic situations are quite complicated if one is a member of the LGBT community.

His situation made me wonder about my own. This classmate already had his first break up, while I still have to experience being hitched. I wonder if I am really missing out on many things at the age of 28. I know the lack of experience does not make me less of a person, but there are times when my self-esteem gets affected.

Perhaps my classmate is just comfortable about talking about it. Telling other people about his situation could also be his strategy to get over his boyfriend. I, on the other hand, chose to keep my feelings for Eddie to myself and chose to let only one friend know about them. To each his own.

 

The Capricious One

He is leaving the company. Around two weeks ago, Eddie said that he needs to take a break from school and from work. I asked why he plans to also quit the job. It is possible to briefly stop studying, but still continue to earn money. He said he does not like the work. In fact, he never did.

Our conversation, however, boiled down to one thing. He plans to be a bum again. It seems that he is more productive in his creative writing if he has little to no distraction. I don’t get it. How can he be satisfied in staying at a backwater province, while relying on his parents for his expenses?

His drifter-like approach in dealing with his problems is quite annoying. I realized that he is a guy who does not have definite plans for the future, aside from writing. Doing what you like is admirable. But there I think there should still be a compromise for your craft and its sustainability. These are modern times and a starving artist is not something really appealing.

Despite these sentiments, I still admire his work as a writer. I don’t think my level of infatuation would be the same as before, though. He is too fickle-minded. I may have no boyfriend since birth, but I know that I can’t stand someone who is plagued by indecisions. People like that tend to be unreliable. Their habit does not make it easy for other people to trust them.

Perhaps I’m just too focused on my perspective. He is trustworthy—most of the time—when it comes to his work. It’s also unfair to think that he might be in a worse situation later just because he is capricious now. But as a friend, I think it is about time he takes charge of his life and starts thinking about a stable future.

Pouring It Out

I had the chance to meet up with one of my close friends in college. We have not contacted each other for quite a long time, so we decided to have a chat last Saturday. So many stories were shared between the two of us.

She said that she had a boyfriend for the first time, although their relationship lasted for less than a year. My friend had to let me guess how their relationship ended. After I tried a few times, she finally mentioned that the guy could not accept that he is bisexual. She was willing to accept him for who he is, but the guy just cannot seem to do that. She understood his struggles, but in the end, she chose not to be weighed down by his identity crisis.

I shared my story about my messed up infatuation with Eddie. It was my first time disclosing it to another person. I saw to it that I included the situation why he left the office, the mixed feelings I had, and the moments that I just had to cry over what happened.

The conversation reminded me again that I was just frustrated over the wasted opportunity to find out if my feelings were just way beyond infatuation. She presented a hypothetical situation: If Eddie and I managed to hook up, am I willing to be in a long distance relationship? My answer was no. She made me realize my limitations with just one question.

I also mentioned that I am trying to move on. When I see his posts on Facebook, however, I am reminded again of the opportunity that never was. She pointed out that she also used to avoid situations and places that remind her of her own relationship. But she came to realize that moving on is largely an internal struggle. The external situation is not a very relevant factor.

She has a progressive approach. I’m glad that I decided to tell her about my emotional struggles. At first, I felt that my issues were too shallow, but my friend assured me that what I shared was not shallow as far as she is concerned. I felt my burden ease up a little. Sadly, circumstances do not allow me to talk to her every week. Maybe it is time for me to share my story to my other close friends.

Implied Rejection

March was a busy month for me. We had overlapping deadlines at work. I joined a group that went on an outing to a southwestern town in Cebu. I kept worrying about what to do for my possible graduate studies. I never found the time to update this blog, but I posted two entries in my other one.

That hectic schedule was useful in distracting me from my Eddie-related woes. I was able to stick to my promise of checking his Facebook profile once a week. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that I wanted him to return my feelings. But I guess it’s not meant to be.

Last week, he reported to the office. He will be staying for three weeks and then he will attend various activities related to his graduate studies. I really can’t describe my feelings now. I guess it’s partially hopeful and partially regretful. I know that his interests do not jive with mine. If he is interested with me, I think I would have noticed it.

A few days ago, he attended a forum in the same school where I earned my college degree. Coincidentally, I also joined a separate event at the same venue. He came with a friend and asked me where the forum is going to be held. I showed them the way and I told him to send me a text message if he wants a tour of our school after their forum. He acknowledged my offer, but I did not receive any text message. He is not interested in me. Period.

I have never been rejected in terms of romantic agenda before. But I guess I can interpret this experience as a kind of rejection. I don’t think I’m going to talk about it at work unless someone asks. This has become a source of additional crisis and I have no idea how to find the opportunity in it.

Second Choice

I have been planning to take up graduate studies sometime in the future. I prefer to continue studying in my alma mater, but the school currently does not offer the program I was after. A friend of mine mentioned in a Facebook comment that there are plans to offer that program in 2017. I’m afraid I would lose my enthusiasm and youthfulness at that time.

There is an alternative school, though, and it seems to be good. But I know someone who studied there and she told me it was not really worth it. Maybe she got used to the training that we received during college. I wonder if that school’s curriculum for that program is structured like a diploma mill’s. It feels like I’m settling for less, but I’m also not comfortable with the idea of going through graduate studies in my early 30s.

I think I’ll visit the school next month. There are a few things—tuition, course outline, and schedule—that I’d like to know more about. Taking a look before I leap would not hurt.

What’s really driving me to take up this course is that I recently found out that I lack something to do. I’d like to keep myself busy for the next few years. My work schedule seems to be fine and I would like to take advantage of this opportunity. I’ll worry about the requirements related to academic research later.

Post-Valentine Musings

Last Valentine’s Day, I remembered that my druid in Molten-WoW got the “Kingslayer” title around the same time last year. I had to join that raid to avoid the typical activities related to this annual consumerist event. This year, I decided to adjust my shift so that it ended at 10:00 PM. By the time I got out of the office, I only had less than two hours to sulk around.

I kept on reminding myself that there are certainly advantages for a singleton during Valentine’s Day. Recently, however, I tend to think that other people are lucky enough to get laid. On the other hand, I’m still stuck with having no boyfriend since birth.

The next day, I decided to treat my sister to a dinner. It was her birthday and I brought the book that was meant for Eddie. I took one last look at the gift-wrapped copy in my bag before handing it over to my sister. I was hoping that she would like the book while I uttered the words “Happy birthday.”  As I mentioned in my previous post, I plan to tell her the story behind my gift. But that would still be many years from now. By then, I would probably find these sentiments quite immature.

I’m tired of being single, but I also don’t want to fool around. I know that being in a relationship requires a lot of effort, but I don’t know if I’m mature enough to handle it. If my love life would improve this year, then that’s good. If not, I guess I can still live with that. But this lack of experience is somehow weighing me down. My self-esteem seems to be affected.  

To make things worse, I’m also reminded that I’m the effeminate kind of gay. The popular image of gays that are in seemingly happy relationships typically involves the ones who have masculine appearances and habits. I’m tempted to conform, but I always find myself resisting. I’m not really okay with pretending to be someone I’m not just to have a boyfriend. I wonder if this will help me in my Valentine dilemmas for 2015.

Wanted: Devil’s Advocate

Several days after the hasty purchase of that book I mentioned in the previous post, I think I managed to finally get over it. I have decided to give the book to my sister on her birthday next week. I don’t think I’m going to tell her the details about her gift, but maybe someday I will.

It has been almost three months since Eddie left the office, but my emotions have not yet settled down. I did not expect my recovery to be this slow. The presence of that book does not help in any way.

But I can now manage to keep him away from my thoughts before I sleep. I still feel regretful at times. There are days when I long to talk about my experience to a friend. I hope he has some sensible things to say about my situation. I’m getting tired of rationalizing with myself. What I need is a devil’s advocate to help me sort out my feelings. It’s hard to do that if you only have yourself to debate with.

My friend, however, also has a busy schedule. It is quite rare that we get to talk to each other. I hope that by the time we meet up, I have truly moved on.

There are times that I fear for the future. Same-sex marriage is not legal in the Philippines, so I have more or less accepted that I’d be living alone during my golden years. But that would only happen if I live long enough. It also does not mean that I’d get married if legalization is not an issue. For now, I have to drag myself through my daily existence and try to be thankful with what I have. Why does it have to be so easy to keep track of what’s missing in your life?

Right now, on a weekly basis, I’m trying finding interesting things to write about in my mainstream blog. There are some prominent issues that I want to discuss. This activity might also help me get my mind off him. Next week, maybe I could preoccupy myself with my other plans for my sister’s birthday.

Potentially Wasteful Purchase

When Eddie mentioned that one of his works was included in a book launch, I was quite impressed. I was also hoping that he can attend that event last weekend. Unfortunately, he claimed that he was busy with other activities.

It was a little annoying, but I no longer experienced the typical disappointment that is typically associated with situations like this. I still went to that book launch because of sentimental reasons. I felt my face light up when I saw his name along with the title of the story he wrote. While I was lining up to purchase a copy of the book, I had a really crazy idea.

I decided to purchase two copies. I would keep one for myself and give the other to Eddie on his birthday several weeks from now. He mentioned that the organizers were not giving free copies to the authors. At that time, it seemed to be a sensible idea.

After the lady at the counter handed both copies to me, some questions popped out of nowhere. How would you give the book to him? How will your co-workers react if they know about your plan? What if he managed to get a copy of the book using his connections?

Well, none of those questions would matter now. It turned out that he asked another co-worker to buy a copy for him. So much for my well-planned purchase. I was counting my chickens before the eggs even hatched. Now, I’m stuck with an extra book and I don’t have any idea whom to give it to.

Sometime in the future, I might recall this day and laugh a little about this spontaneous decision. I might keep my own copy, because this is also my first book that features the works of Filipino writers. I plan to give the extra book to my sister on her birthday. Am I gonna be stuck with being content with the love from my family? I think I just need to experience even a tiny spark of romance, and maybe these emotional upheavals would settle down.

Yet Another Lucid Dream

It is funny how I seem to dream about a crush every time I decide to move on. I once had this sensual dream about a past crush where we made out in a mall. It happened around three months after I accepted that I had a crush on him.

The dream I had about Eddie three days ago was somewhat disappointing. We were on a team outing and a co-worker messed up one of his social media accounts. Eddie got angry and he walked out on the group. I was frustrated by what I consider as his  immature reaction. Because he also decided to go home ahead of us, I tried following him to the gates to stop him. But he was nowhere to be seen when I got there. What was odd was that the setting of the dream was the university where I graduated from.

I think the dream is an interpretation about the chain of events that happened during the past year. If i had not graduated, I wouldn’t have met my current co-workers, including Eddie. He decided to leave the office and, despite my efforts, I could not do a thing to stop him.

The weather outside was gloomy, and that dream made the day gloomier. I was reminded that I tend to think too much about the objects of my affection to the point where I even dream about them. But I was somewhat glad about the events that happened in the dream. They seemed to encourage me to truly accept that I may never see Eddie again. They reminded me that I am never going to be a part of his future.

Truth be told, I am slowly recovering from that heartache. I’m doing my best not to give in to the temptation to check his Facebook profile everyday. My target is to check his profile once a week only and, hopefully, abandon my efforts in doing so in the future. I think I’m not going to miss him that much anymore. He accepted his regularization last Friday, but he will be working as a part-time employee.

When I had that dream about my university crush, I did my best to get over him. I hope that the recent one can also help me this time. For now, I will try not to think too much about Eddie. I will be back to worrying about my future as a singleton, but that’s another story.

Loss or Opportunity?

For most people, the sixth month of probationary employment is a make-or-break scenario. It is either they stay as regular employees, or they have to pack up as they get served the dreaded End of Contract (EOC) notice. That is why if they can’t hit the ground running, they aim to learn the ropes as soon as possible.

Our team’s online meeting earlier started out with the usual discussions about changes that the members should expect. Some of us had to leave the meeting early, because the other people had other things to discuss with the new team lead. Because the TL is sitting close to me, I overheard him mention Eddie’s regularization process.

I know that January is his expected month of regularization. What I did not expect was his implied preference to be served the EOC notice rather than be regularized. He did mention in his social media accounts that he is swamped up by academic assignments and office-related tasks. The new team lead told us after the meeting that Eddie claimed that his academics got compromised a bit because of the hours he had to devote to the job.

I have no idea what the team lead has in mind. Eddie mentioned before that he can manage to live within his means. Personally, I don’t feel so comfortable being jobless. I was unemployed when I decided to continue my college studies, but I also had more than four years’ worth of savings that supported me. I hope he has a similar contingency plan other than relying on the support of his parents. For me, that’s not a remarkable move for someone in his late 20s.

If his EOC notice gets pushed through due to his insistence, I might have to prevent Eddie’s updates from appearing in my Facebook news feed. Yes, I still think that removing a person from your FB friend list is too harsh, especially for a laughable reason like this. But I think I should expedite the process of moving on if we are going to lose that connection as co-workers. I wonder what the next few days will bring.